He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
