thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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