i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
