Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
