Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
