duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
