so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
