i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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