I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
