So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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