I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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