you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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