I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize