God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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