JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
