I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
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