you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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