My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
