Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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