My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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