didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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