I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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