i just made my gag reflex go away.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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