just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
