Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
