I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
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