Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
