i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize