I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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