went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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