I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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