My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
