he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
