And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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