Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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