TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
