There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Who died my cat blue again?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
