roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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