I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
