Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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