You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
