I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
