Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
