I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
