my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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