I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. đ
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I should have known it wouldnât work. Someone saved in her phone as âSubway Sexâ called the week before the wedding
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