Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Randomize
