Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
