Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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