I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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