I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
