I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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