listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
