I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
