a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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