If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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