Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
