apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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